the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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