Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
