chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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