I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
