Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
did you just send me my own nude
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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