I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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