I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
