I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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