the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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