the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
