in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
