He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
