Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
