I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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