what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
In other news, I just burned my penis
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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