I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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