Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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