My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
