If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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