just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
