you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
