He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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