I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
