i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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