The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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