If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
