I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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