I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
