I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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