Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it's like iHOP with fire
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
