You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
