Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
