DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
