just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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