im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
