i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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