This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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