every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
