maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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