a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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