i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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