i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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