A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
