I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
