By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
