You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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