ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
