Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
