I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
