I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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