Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
