I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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