I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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