I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
