so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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