If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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