So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
