any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
