he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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