i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
