Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need a beard to bite.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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